Ain’t it great to be a grown-up?

Paid all my bills: phone, electricity, credit card. Now I’m broke. Well, better broke than in the red. And I think I get paid this week, so if I can make it on the groceries I have now, then I should be smiling by the weekend.

Hello.

Well, I’m still here. I got tired about writing about feeling crappy, and I was feeling too crappy to write about anything else, so… here we are. Just broke up with my boyfriend. On my period. Minus 20 outside, and I’ve been feeling sick for the last few days. Urgh. Hello, Universe, I’m really trying here. I swear to God I am. And I will try harder. Yes I will. Just as soon as I stop feeling like I was hit by a truck.

However, just to demonstrate that I’m not a total loser, here are some awesome things I’ve done recently:

1. My friend and I submitted a proposal to a local film festival that was accepted. We just shot, and we’re waiting for the film to come back so we can work our post-production magic.

2. Started dancing again. A girlfriend of mine put together a little troupe, so now I can dress up in crazy costumes, get paid to take my clothes off, and flirt with men without having to even step foot in a strip club. I’m very excited.

3. Got a new job selling organic food. Oh my God, once you’ve gone organic you’ll never go back. Sooooo yummy. And I’ve started making all my meals from scratch because it’s healthier, cheaper, and there’s no MSG, mono-saturated, hydro-whatever, high-fructose bullshit in my food to mess up my mental health. And some of the people I work with are amazing.

4. Bought a yoga pass. I love yoga. Coming into your body, and blowing away all the pain. I’m thinking of going on a retreat if I can get the time off work. I’ve already saved up enough money. So exciting!

5. I’ve been meditating and you have no idea how much it helps until you try it. This is helping me hold on to my sanity.

6. I’ve gotten a few freelance photography gigs, including what will hopefully become a regular gig with an adult-orientated website. I love taking pictures of gorgeous women naked and/or in their underthings so this makes me very happy.

7. Just picked up the guitar again after almost ten years. I have a cute guitar teacher, too, whose lessons come with hugs and kisses so extra bonus points.

8. Shot a band for a local music magazine. So exciting to see my work in print.

Still struggling with sobriety. Still struggling with depression. Still overwhelmed by all the stuff I have to do–this mountain that feels unscalable. Some days I want to give up because it feels like I’m being suffocated by this black cloud. The biggest difference I’ve made, though, is not allowing myself to hate myself too much. Once I start thinking about all the reasons why I’m angry and disappointed in myself, it just doesn’t stop. No use doing that. I know I can be a better person, and I’m trying, I really am, but it can only happen one day at at time. Patience. Persistence. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Scared.

*sob* I need a hug

Hmmm…

If you’re confused about my behaviour, I assure you that you’re not alone. I’m confused, too.

Smoking is gross.

Must… stop… smoking…

If I could just remember what my throat, head, and sinuses feel like when I wake up in the morning after a night of puffing away, then I would probably quit right now. Urgh… my sinuses…

Another sexy photo shoot.

Another sexy photo shoot with one of my gorgeous girlfriends. We shot from about 9 p.m. to 5 a.m. EIGHT HOURS!!!! Mainly rubbish, but I got some good shots. I want someone to wake up so they can tell me how to get the pictures off my damn camera. I shot a bunch of pictures in RAW and its bjorking my import. GAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

Tuesday I shoot my first male model ever. Oh, and he’s a pretty one. Nice washboard abs and the whole bit. This will be fun.

I’m an adult?

This is how I feel most days:

Still sick.

Boo. I could really use someone to talk to right now.

Missy is depressed.

I’m tired. I’m broke. I’m sick. I can’t stay awake even though I just woke up. I feel like I want to die. I want to die. I want to die.

What’s funny is I’ve been in worse situations and survived. So I’ll probably get through this. But then there’ll be more pain and bullshit to get through. You see? It’s never ending. Makes me wish there were no future. It’s such a beautiful day. I could fall asleep and never wake up. Before things get worse. Or better.

What’s better? Right now I can’t imagine anything that would make one more day on this God forsaken planet any more bearable.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

PSA.

N. would prefer that you not wank off to blog posts about him and his enormous clock.