But…

ARRRGGHHH!!!! I have SO MUCH WORK TO DO!!!!!!!

*gasp gasp gasp*

It’s ok. It’s ok. I can do it. I will start tomorrow. Everything will be fine.

The other place.

The other place is where I am usually–Stress-ville.

I aggressively pursue people, career success, the enrichment of my ego…

I’m convinced I’d be happy and I could relax if I could just get EVERYTHING I want. But I want so much. And I may never have all of it. So my constant thinking about these goals is futile if it’s stressing me out and preventing me from enjoying what I have right now.

Right. Don’t worry. Everything’s going to be ok. I’m smart, and I’m capable, and I can do this.

The “place in-between.”

Is apparently the place between uncertainty and resolution–the most uncomfortable place. And my friend tells me if I just relax into it, it will happen as its meant to happen.

I can’t control someone else’s behaviour. I can’t “make” someone angry at me. I can’t “make” someone love me. I can only control my own actions. I can choose to behave with good intentions, compassion for others, and compassion for myself.

Whew.

Ok. I relinquish control over the people in my life. I’ll just tell you how I feel, and it’s your choice how you react to it.

Eeek!

Wow, what an insight!

Hooray! Let’s talk about sexual abuse!

So many fun stories to share.

1. I am exhausted with being angry.

2. My abuser may never give a shit.

3. I’m SO horny! Please stop telling me this is because I was sexually abused as a child. My “illness” if I have one is being consistently told that my excellent sex drive is a sickness derived from what some jackass did.

My beautiful, lustful, erotic nature is not a disease! Do you hear me, World? I don’t need your sympathy! I don’t need your pills! I am a wonderful woman!

Lots of emotions.

I was hanging out with one of my friends yesterday and it was really a positive experience. Overwhelmingly positive.

Compared to a lot of my friendships it felt more… balanced.

I didn’t just feel like it was my job to be supportive. I guess. I guess I try to save people, or I try to be nice to really negative people but I need to be around uplifting people as well.

And my friend is very uplifting.

He shared some insights that are important for reframing how I see the world.

Like he told me that people who have hurt me don’t have to be sorry in order for me to enjoy my life.

And that’s honestly what I’m trying to do.

So thanks to everyone who’s helping me with that. I love you.

La La La Hooray!!!

Do you know what makes me feel better even when there are stressful things happening all around me?

Having crushes on people, of course!!!!!

It makes friendships so much sweeter. Because you get butterflies in your stomach when you’re with your friends. Or when they call you. Or write to you. Or text you.

And tell you, “I want to renew our vows!”

It makes all the colours of the world more magical.

It makes you love the human race more.

And that’s pretty awesome.

Post-script.

I have to add something to my last post. I feel really guilty and hypocritical when I’m mad at someone for being a mess and treating me badly as a result of it. I remember lots of times in my life when I was a mess, and I was probably a stressful burden on the people around me. I mean, I was writing about how all those cops were here looking for my neighbour because they thought he was dead. Well, I remember when I was nineteen and the cops were looking for me because they thought I was dead, too. They thought I’d killed myself.

And let’s face it, for all my externalized bravado, I’m actually quite a mess, myself. I’m needy, and emotional, and I need constant reassurance from others that they love me, and they care about me, and they think I’m a wonderful, capable human being. Otherwise, I just fall apart.

So, who am I to judge my neighbour. Although the way he bangs on our doors and screams at us, is really inappropriate. Even if you’re upset, that kind of behaviour on a regular basis is quite abusive.

Whew. Thoughts, anyone?

I’m no Mother Theresa.

In fact, I’m really annoyed that my drugged-up neighbour was banging on my door this morning, yelling, and calling me an asshole.

But then I let him use my phone anyway. And he walked all over my carpet with his dirty socks, and sat on my chair with his piss-covered pants, and used my phone while he was drooling and his nose was running, and there was a bloody cut on his mouth. And then he touched my pole.

And then when my back was turned for five minutes, the fucker stole my lighter!

That asshole. I sprayed everything down with Lysol but how am I going to clean the carpet and the chair.

Now I’m glad he’s getting evicted. My building manager is right–we do have to have compassion, but this guy has no respect for other people. Maybe it’s not his fault because he has a mental illness? Or maybe he’s just a jerk. I don’t know.

But I’m really quite annoyed.

Hmm…hmmm…hmm…

The truth is, I feel unhealthy right now, you guys. I’m trying to keep my spirits up, but I’m feeling burned out after the festival, and I’m having trouble breaking out of the bad habits I slipped back into while I was really stressed out in the stages leading up to the festival.

For example, smoking. Eating junk food instead of proper meals. Not exercising. Smoking. Not going outside. Smoking. Lots more smoking.

Whew. And then the stuff with my neighbours. But maybe they’ll be ok. The cops and all these social workers and city officials were here today because they thought my neighbour was dead. They were banging on his door and making phone calls and standing out in the hallway for an hour. And then it turned out, he was just out for a walk.

And the worst part, is that for at least a little while before I knew he was ok, I secretly hoped he was dead. Because then he’d be at peace, right?

But he has kids, and he bakes pies, and he’s a sweet guy who told me I’m “beautiful” and “special.” So maybe he should stick around a little longer.

*sigh*

There’s a lot of pain in the world, and it makes me sick to my stomach.